The World Needs Gifted Girls

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Growing up, I loved math. To me, it was a game with a complex rule set that I could win! I just knew the answers, often faster than everyone else, and found myself competing with several boys for the top score each test. I worked hard for my A in that class, but it wasn’t fulfilling and it even felt selfish. As I planned my schedule for senior year, I opted to use my extra electives for psychology and sociology instead of math. My teacher called me out of another class to challenge my decision. Naively, I insisted, “I don’t want to pursue a career in math; I want to help people.” I never took another math class.

Our seven-year-old daughter amazes us every day. In kindergarten, we started her on first grade Beast Academy, an online math program for accelerated learners; she couldn't get enough. She’s picked up piano and now violin twice as fast as her older siblings. Daily she wows us with deep scientific questions and incredible insights of how the world works! She’s proud of her accomplishments and unhindered by the opinions of others.

Her sister, almost exactly ten years older, is now a junior in high school. Both girls have tested at a gifted level, but today they present their abilities very differently. Ten years ago, she was just as driven, confident & unhindered, but our high schooler is much more committed to helping friends than completing schoolwork, and she just doesn’t have the same academic drive that she used to. Instead she studies people. She psychoanalyzes her classmates and counsels friends in need with empathy and wisdom beyond her years. She’s clearly using her intellect in a new way, but she no longer sees herself as gifted. So what changed?

One likely factor is self-evaluation. The confidence of all girls plunges 30% between the ages of 8 and 14, much more dramatically than boys and with a much slower recovery. Studies show that tween girls often grow more unwilling to take risks, more reluctant to speak up in class, or hesitant to try something new.

Gifted girls…have abilities urging them forward, prompting them to explore all that education has to offer, yet education does not run to meet them

Gifted girls have an even harder time. In her article for the Davidson Institute, Dr. Joan Smutney digs in, “Gifted girls…have abilities urging them forward, prompting them to explore all that education has to offer, yet education does not run to meet them.”

Girls' competitiveness often yields to empathetic collaboration so they may even avoid success because they don’t want to differentiate themselves. Girls, in general, prioritize relationships and often change their behavior to fit in. “The Horner Effect” describes a fear of success causing girls to purposely hold back because of a more acute need to please others. I was incredibly unpopular among girls in school; perhaps it was because I was willing to put my energy and enjoyment into math?

Similarly, girls are notoriously eager to please teachers, so if they finish their work early, they likely wait patiently, whereas gifted boys struggle with misbehavior when they get bored. As a result teachers often underestimate the abilities of gifted girls, heuristically training their attention on children who might make learning a problem for the rest of the class. 

Societal gender biases work against gifted girls as well. Parents often reinforce humility and politeness in girls but assertiveness and competition in boys. They are more likely to explain away their abilities due to luck or an error on the part of the evaluator. This “Imposter Phenomenon” pressures girls to explain away their success since it contradicts their self-image and social expectations.  The TV series Bones features Dr. Temperance Brennan (“Bones”) who often claims her expertise by candidly stating her status among others in her field. When her supervisor offers that she is “the leading forensic anthropologist in the nation,” Bones corrects, “in the world,” and the other characters cringe. Socially impaired, she lacks the programming that states it is unacceptable for a woman to take credit for abilities or even accomplishments.

Researching this article has forced me to face my own biases, missed opportunities and “selfless” priorities. A decade after I swore off math in high school to “help people”, I found myself drawn to teaching over and over again. And the biggest need?  Math. I’ve eaten my words for 20 years since, as I’ve taught math at our school and tutored math in the evenings, helping dozens of girls gain confidence in this male-dominated field. Why couldn’t I realize that doing what I was gifted in could actually help people? How far could I have gone in math? And how much more could I be giving!

So, join me in empowering girls to develop the skills they’re good at, instead of denying themselves to fit in or help others. We’re not going to make girls more competitive or less polite, but maybe we can show gifted girls how developing their gifts can benefit others. Giftedness is not only a gift received but a gift to give. If they spend their school years developing it as much as possible, when they share it, gifted girls will inevitably make the world a better place!

Let’s continue the conversation about gifted girls & boys. Learn how to choose the right school for your gifted child and to advocate for his or her intellectual and social needs this Thursday May 23 at our Zoom panel discussion: Education to Nurture Your Gifted Child. 

Consider joining or supporting a local organization that empowers girls!

Girls Scouts
Marin Girls Chorus
Girls Who Code
Recreation Center Sports
Single Gender Schools

Originally published in Southern Marin Mothers Club The Crier.

When School Is Too Easy

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Most of my few memories of first grade were getting in trouble for not staying on task: I sharpened my pencil repeatedly, then because it was too sharp I scribbled on a paper towel. I made a little pool of glue on scrap paper and arranged crayon shavings (from my crayon sharpener) in the pool to create modern art. I even got my name on the board for talking out of turn. I was off to a rough start. That same year I was given an IQ test and qualified for the gifted program (LEAP) one half day per week in the library. However, I was not allowed to participate until my “work habits” improved.  They did, somewhat.

In fourth grade I started the ACTION gifted program once a week.  A dozen of us were bussed to a special classroom where we learned to type on a manual typewriter, transliterate our own haikus into Japanese characters and write books and illustrate them on DOS computers. High tech for the 80s.

Daniel remembers swearing off homework, resigned to stop wasting his time and learn for himself.  He enjoyed class but spent evenings reading the encyclopedia.  He got in trouble for talking and interrupting the teacher, but often he won them over with his impressive intellect.  Daniel got poor grades through high school but managed to be accepted into the university where his mom taught as a professor. He passed by the skin of his teeth with an English degree and then became a teacher.

We survived school fine. But we developed some bad habits along the way. I remember proudly putting homework off and completing it in another class while ignoring the lecture. I crammed for tests for a few minutes as the teacher was taking roll, and I hardly read any assigned books, but skimmed cliff’s notes instead.  And when I received As & Bs, it reinforced a divergent ambition to fake it with as little effort as possible.  Not the kind of person I’d like to hire!

I had bumped up against an academic glass ceiling. The common name for this obstacle is “age appropriate” or “grade level standards”. We measure all kinds of things against time: income, the trajectory of a projectile, the quality of a fine wine, the speed a child grows up (invariably, too fast!). Some of these always provide accurate predictions. It is possible to determine the exact force and angle of a bat to baseball to clear the Green Monster at Fenway Park. It is not possible, however, to predict how tall a random child will be at age 12. Nor can anyone say whether a child will be a strong reader by fourth grade. The range of reading capabilities is broad, but the average is a tiny, precise value easy to create “grade level” material for. Because of the average value’s minute exactitude, it actually describes no student at all!

It certainly didn’t describe me! I don’t quite know why, but reading exhausts me. It’s likely the strabismus of my left eye, rendering it blind to central vision (but otherwise fully capable). Did I fail to enjoy science and history because they were, at heart, reading classes? What if the skills of storytelling and scientific experiment had been liberated from the words on the page, presented on their own for me to experiment and discuss independent of my reading endurance? I can barely imagine what other worlds of opportunity remain sealed away as I grew to consider certain subjects boring, hard, or unrewarding.

Carol Dweck has identified a deep solution for gifted children who have become lazy, accustomed to learning being easy for them. These children, when faced with a big challenge that isn’t solved quickly, have an identity crisis. They fake disinterest, make an excuse, they cower from the opportunity. They exhibit a fixed mindset, “They believe that they're born with certain intelligence, skills and abilities that cannot change.” Her solution: growth mindset, in which “people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point.”

Fixed mindsets exist, however, because they work. They work in environments designed to teach and manage average children — of whom, again, there are precisely zero. Gifted children are outliers in their classroom, they have to make their own way. They can’t fit the assumptions their classroom was designed around, and as they grow, they build a model of how the world works. For them, classwork is always easy. The hard part is what to do with all those pesky extra minutes after completing the work, or with all those amazing questions that don’t fit the curriculum’s parameters. It can be demoralizing rather than invigorating to excel academically.

We’ve been thinking a lot about this for years. We have a student who got in trouble at previous schools for interrupting class because he knew all the answers but lacked the self-regulation skills to give other students a turn. We have another student who refuses to admit when he doesn’t know something. Both of these boys felt anxious when it took them more than a few minutes to complete an assignment. But they’re growing. They have to! They’re breaking down a fixed mindset that says it should always be easy for them. They are developing intellectual stamina for the first time. They are learning how to give effort even when they feel anxious or tired. Now that's the kind of person I’d like to hire!

Todd Rose, a researcher in developmental psychology, proposes that the classroom needs to be customizable to each student like a driver seat can be adjusted to nearly any size person. He proposes no more “grade level” expectations, rather teaching concepts and skills assuming some skills, such as reading, are not necessarily fully developed. He says to design the curriculum all the way to the edges of children’s skills, from undeveloped to fully mature.

If school is too easy for your child, here’s how to help them build intellectual stamina: give your child challenges well beyond their capabilities and see how far they can go. Cultivate relationships with grandparents, family members and friends who are experts in a field and who will gently share their knowledge with your child. Look for a school or program that encourages children to learn at their own pace, especially in Math, Language Immersion, Reading and Writing. Hire a tutor to work with your child individually on topics and skills that he or she is interested in. Whatever resources you have at hand, give your child the rich content, varied experiences, open challenges & quality feedback they need to thrive.

My father-in-law’s aphorism fits, “If you shoot for the moon, you’ll likely hit the light pole. But if you shoot for the light pole, you’ll hit your foot.”

For the Love of Science

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Children love to learn. As natural scientists, they experiment on the world around them to build a mental model that helps them develop realistic expectations.

One of the first discoveries is object permanence, the understanding that an object still exists even when it’s out of sight. Infants often test object permanence from the high chair with their peas or pasta, and every parent knows not to feed them over the rug, anticipating this early and messy scientific experiment. The more chance a child gets to try things out, the more accurate their mental model of the way the world works.

Since I’ve been my kids’ science teacher, I’ve had the privilege of observing many of their experiments and leading many too!  We interviewed our three children about which early science lessons they remember. Violet (age 6) remembers walking down the bike trail last year laying pom poms on the path to model to scale the vast distance between planets in our solar system. Patrick (age 13) remembers a lesson on the acidity of pure water (PH 7) illustrated with Mickey Mouse shaped molecules chasing each other around trying to bite each other’s ears off. Jocelyn (age 16) remembers building a model bridge out of straws and rubber bands at age 4 and then testing its weight with a stack of books. Years later, they still remember because the experience made it memorable.

But what of the microscopic, like germ theory, or the macroscopic, like the cosmic microwave radiation background? Is it worth telling our little ones that our best knowledge of the universe is now statistical instead of observable? What would happen if a generation of future scientists trusted their senses only as far as they go, relying on augmented senses like thermometers, telescopes and really hot furnaces, only as far as they can go, while understanding that the properties of the many particles throughout the room is literally only measurable in part. Thanks, Heisenberg. I guess the question is, “How hard is it to teach quantum physics to a three-year-old?” Harder than teaching about quantum physicists. That’s where you start.

Kids (and adults) love a good narrative, and a story about a scientist is worth a thousand science lessons because the story sticks, sometimes for life. Perhaps your little one isn’t ready to learn the distribution law of kinetic gasses, but they can certainly learn about the wonderful man James Clerk Maxwell. And the story of his disciple Ludwig Boltzmann is just as compelling.

Our kids recounted their favorite scientist personalities as well. Archimedes was commissioned to determine if a tribute gold crown was pure or an alloy. He discovered how to measure volume with water displacement while in the bath then ran through the streets naked shouting “eureka,” which is Greek for I have found it!  Henry Cavendish wanted to know the force of gravity so he hung a couple of giant pendulums in a specially made shed to attract gravity without being disturbed by air or electric charge. Violet remembers that he was so shy that he built himself a private stairwell in his house so he would not cross paths with his servants.  Tycho Brahe, who was the first to accurately record a supernova, lost his nose in a duel, and then his drunk moose fell down the stairs and he eventually died because his bladder burst at a dinner party.

Realistically, young children aren’t going to grasp the mind-blowing theoretical concepts yet, but we can set them up for success. Children develop 50% of their intellectual potential by age 4 and 80% by age 6. As they develop their intellect, we want kids to value as many fields of skill as possible so they can grow up fully educated. As they learn the stories of the scientists, they are inspired to join them in making hypotheses, experimenting and discovering for themselves.

SCIENCE RESOURCES 

Videos

Here Comes Science by They Might Be Giants

KidsTV123, especially The Planets song

Emily’s Wonder Lab, Netflix

A Habit of Spontenaity

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During our recent trip to Grandma’s in Oklahoma, my great nephew (I can’t believe I’m a great aunt!) became intrigued by a ball of yarn as my sister and I crocheted. At two, he hardly has the vocabulary to voice the dozens of questions that lit his eyes as he observed us. When encouraged, he unwound a small scrap ball and ran in circles around the wall separating the living room and kitchen trying to catch his own tail! Then he practiced tying up Daniel’s foot! He was captivated for at least fourty minutes. I had forgotten how entertaining it is to watch toddlers make discoveries!

When my oldest was three and I was pregnant with my second, my husband and I shared a car, so I walked my daughter to ballet class a couple of times per week. One afternoon the rain had stopped just in time, so we put on rain boots and tutu and took off down the sidewalk. To my chagrin, halfway to class, my pretty little girl knelt down suddenly and picked up a plump squirmy earthworm from a puddle! I was both disgusted and concerned about muddy tights, but she didn’t care. This was a serendipitous opportunity! It was a hard turn, but I managed to put my agenda aside, joined in the fascinating examination, and we arrived just a few minutes late to ballet class.

Now that I’m teaching in a classroom, supporting spontaneous sparks of curiosity is sometimes even trickier. In the middle of diagramming a sentence in English one student shouted out, “Wait, in Latin word order doesn’t matter?” Another student who always finishes his assignments very quickly decided he had to build a table for the new 3D printer right then. When a child interrupts with a burning question that throws me off my flow, I have to remember their learning is in fact the main objective.

These moments are serendipitous! Lev Vygotsky called it spontaneous learning. While children age seven or older effectively learn reactively through activities initiated by a teacher, three to seven-year-olds primarily learn according to their own plans, especially through free play.

This is the great work of parenting. Taking into account their eating, sleeping, clothing, and cuddling, a huge part of parenting is just letting our children figure things out, present and engaged, watching and enjoying. When your child sees your eyes light up at their discovery, they recognize its value, and more importantly, their own value to you. Early in their lives, our children are evaluating what they do in large part by what elicits our engagement. So engage early and often, and seek out teachers and coaches who do the same. Children expand their capacity for learning and discovery to fill the space we provide.

In 2020, the Child Mind Institute offered tips to families thrown into schooling at home. Talk to your children about their projects and yours to practice new vocabulary. Keep a routine of daily activities to build habits and autonomy. Make time for unstructured play of various types:

  • Constructive Play - blocks, Magna-Tiles, Lego, fort-building, coloring and crafts

  • Physical Play - running, skipping, hide and seek, Simon Says, freeze dance

  • Pretend Play - dress-up, dolls, kitchen, action figures, modified “charades” (for example, have your child act like an animal and you guess what they are)

  • Sensory Play - sand table, water play, finger painting, play dough, baking bread

  • Music Play - listening to music and nursery rhymes, playing musical instruments, singing

  • Outdoor Play - nature walk, picking flowers, “I spy” outside

  • Story time - read aloud and quiet time with books

As you resolve to improve personal healthy habits in 2024, consider making a habit to honor your child’s spontaneous learning!

“When your child sees your eyes light up at their discovery, they recognize its value, and more importantly, their own value to you. ”

Holiday Note from Daniel & Celeste

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Dear Friends,

December makes us all sentimental. Daniel and I spend evenings looking back at photos of when our kids were little and Chronos was just a few separate classes throughout the week. We wanted to give our own children the best education possible. So in 2016 we decided to integrate everything we were teaching in chronological order: the great story of human discovery. Students would learn history, science, math and the arts in order as they were innovated through time; it just made sense. Back then we spent evenings writing & recording history songs and created Making projects for the laser cutter. It has been so satisfying to see our life's work come to fruition. 

 In 2019 Chronos Academy officially became a school with 30 students enrolled. Then COVID hit and we downsized to a single cohort. A year later we had to move unexpectedly and reopened in a beautiful new space in Larkspur. Just look at where we are now.

Next year we're celebrating our ninth year of chronological education, our fifth year as a school and are expanding to five classes.  We'll go all the way back to the beginning and learn Ancients on the third iteration of our 10,000 year journey. Join us, and we'll give your children the best education possible. 

Happy Holidays!

Celeste & Daniel Ezell & family

School: A Child's Second Home

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With school just starting, many parents are rethinking the best way to educate their children. Marin offers countless options, but this can be overwhelming. Often plagued with mom-guilt, we wonder if we made the right choice! Our family has paved an unusual path of non-traditional options for various reasons. It’s daunting to be different, but it was right for us, and we’re stronger and closer as a result!

Homeschooling

We homeschooled our first two children for eight years. When Jocelyn, our oldest, was entering kindergarten, Daniel & I both worked evenings, tutoring high school students in math, science, writing & SATs; had she gone to school, we would never see her! And I just hated to miss out on experiencing all the special first learning moments with her. Feeling like rebels, we opted to teach her ourselves at home and supplement with classes a couple of days each week. We enrolled her in an independent study charter school that kept records, offered standardized testing and supported mom as the teacher.  We loved being involved. I was there when she read her first book, multiplied her first array, and won the egg protector competition. It was so fun…and so much work!

Homeschooling is trending in the US. In California a family can enroll in a private or charter school that allows them to teach at home or simply declare themselves a private school with just a few students who all happen to be siblings.  Families opt to homeschool for many reasons. Some follow a specific ideology and cannot find a school to match. Others prefer to compress school into a few hours so the rest of the day is free for other activities: competitive sports, travel, or hobbies. Some parents teach at home; others dole out the teaching to various classes & tutors. Some form co-ops to share teaching at no cost, participate in weekly park days, annual homeschool conventions or small group classes.

Small Classes

By the time Jocelyn was in first grade we expanded our business to include daytime classes for homeschoolers. During the previous ten years of tutoring, we were usually limited to completing the student’s assigned homework within a one hour session, and found there wasn’t enough time (or interest) to delve deeper in the topics. But when we taught homeschoolers, we had the freedom to create unit studies that integrated 2-3 subjects, on topics that piqued our students’ interests, some specifically with our daughter in mind. She learned in groups of 2-10, and we (and her other teachers) innovated flexible and creative lesson plans: geometry through art, history through song, and public speaking every week. In small classes, teachers met her at her level so she could learn at her own pace. She raced ahead in math and multiplied before she learned to read. Teachers offered her more individual attention, and her curiosity and divergent thinking was honored and encouraged.

Turns out class size is a hot topic in education. Research shows that smaller classes give students more individual attention and yield more successful students in general. Especially in early years, students in classes of 15 or fewer need less remediation and have improved discipline. Plus learning differences are identified earlier. But school budgets are already thin, so most of the time it’s not possible.

Multi-Age Classes

By the time our daughter reached 7th grade and our son in 4th, our class offerings had grown to a full week. So we transitioned our business to a private school. With 30 students spanning Kindergarten to 8th grade, it was necessary to arrange classes of 2-3 grade levels. Working with older kids kept them challenged and motivated. And Jocelyn still remembers helping a 1st grader take math notes. Teaching others makes students internalize learning.

In the mid-19th Century, multi-age one room schoolhouses were normal practice. Eventually grade level curriculum standards made single grade classes necessary. Multi-age programs with all their challenges and benefits tend to be more student-centric than single grade classrooms. Students can progress (sometimes without grades) at their own pace, and teachers work with them individually.

Grouping children in a single grade class as peers inevitably results in a competition for who is going to be the leader. Students who are not used to multi-age classrooms might lose patience with younger children and/or feel intimidated by older ones, but when everyone at school personally knows who the youngest, most vulnerable person is, they understand their own place as protector and helper. Families work this way. We all grow to maturity by emulating our role models and protecting our younger siblings. Add a strong culture of mutual care and respect, and children can go anywhere confident about how they should and should not be treated by others.

Home is school long before preschool and Kindergarten. Whether they homeschool or not, mom is the child’s primary teacher. So in my opinion, look for a school that feels as much like home as possible. We have, and that’s made all the difference.

Healing Joy Bonds

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2020 was a very difficult year for all of us, but it was earth-shattering for our daughter.  Seventh grade was such a big year already; she was adjusting nicely to puberty, her first cell phone, babysitting her 3-year-old sister, and “hanging out” with friends with new independence. 

Then disaster struck. Our church dissolved, and with it, her identity group. COVID hit, and her independence dissolved, too. School moved to Zoom, and her social life dissolved. Then when Grandpa passed away, we suddenly moved in with Grandma in Oklahoma. Her privacy, her routine, and her safe haven all dissolved. She felt stuck – stuck on Zoom all day, afraid to get in trouble for not paying attention in class; stuck babysitting her sister while her parents helped Grandma sort through Grandpa’s stuff; stuck in another state with no way to get back to her intricately decorated bedroom.  And, having not lived through many crises, she wondered if shelter-in-place was her new normal, forever.

She reacted silently. She stifled her frustration. She babysat but didn’t engage with her siblings.  She cooked for the family but pretty much stopped eating. She taught herself ukulele on YouTube but then surfed mindlessly. She chatted and FaceTimed friends but got lonelier. She photographed self-portraits in the beautiful Oklahoma sunsets to validate her existence. She carried a heavy weight of expectations, criticized herself for not doing more, attempted to cope, isolated herself and pretended to be fine. She spiraled into obsessive compulsive disorder, and we had no idea for months. Our confident, friendly, empathetic girl became anxious, angry and depressed.

Her story is not unusual.

In December 2021 the Surgeon General observed that the “pandemic intensified mental health issues that were already widespread by the spring of 2020.”[1] Screen time is a key factor; online interactions cannot satisfy a teenager’s need for connection. Despite spending more time relating on social media, teenagers are reportedly lonelier than any other age group. As of October 2021, experts declared a national health emergency in young mental health.

A boy enrolled in our school last year with anxiety that was crippling his academic progress. Although highly gifted, he could not tackle skills that were challenging for him and often hid under his desk to read instead.  In our small class, we allowed him to wiggle without judgment and encouraged him to engage.  We nudged him to write essays by allowing him to dictate to a teacher.  We encouraged him to do weekly presentations in a gentle, supportive way without a heavy expectation that he should already be able to.

 Another boy enrolled after a year of school avoidance. Because of anxiety he could not leave the house to go to school. Our small classes are much less intimidating, but he froze at the door on the first day.  He made it over the threshold when we agreed to let his Chinese pug attend with him for two days.  

As teachers, we’re up to our waists guiding our students through the muddy waters of unprecedented trauma[2].  We asked our middle schoolers how many of them had been bullied in the last year, and they all raised their hands.  Tears are not unusual during the school day.  Students work through challenging conflict resolution several times a day.  Teachers, not counselors, we collaborate with consultants, cooperate with counselors and conference with caregivers to help kids heal.  The defenses are finally coming down, and we’re seeing real empathy and real connection.  These lessons are so much more important than academics.

When we moved back home from Grandma’s summer 2020, we expected our daughter to return to her cheery self.  She volunteered at our summer camp, took walks with friends and helped potty-train her little sister, but she was still suffering.  For months, she couldn’t figure out how to ask us for help. She and her friends all applied to private schools, but she was waitlisted and devastated. Her closest friend pulled away, and she felt isolated again.  We thought she was experiencing mood swings typical of a teenage girl, but on a weekly walk with a mentor, she indicated there was a bigger problem. A year later, we offered to find her a therapist, but she got worse not better. Transitioning to high school offered even more stress. After a year of therapy for general anxiety, she was finally diagnosed with OCD. Eighteen weeks of pretty intense Cognitive Behavioral Therapy trained her to resist compulsions and ignore intrusive thoughts; she now has the tools she needs to cope.

We thought the problem would be fixed, but daily recovery is overwhelming to her on top of school work, musical groups and friend drama. She is not recovering day by day, rather through cyclical progression and regression. My tendency is to assume misbehavior. But kids are almost always trying their best, but just don’t have the tools, energy or the capacity to change their behavior.

We’ve learned from the field of Interpersonal Neurobiology[3][4] that a person grows strong in joyful connection with others. “Relational joy is the engine that drives thriving, recovery and even produces the strength needed for prevention of trauma and addiction.”[5] Our first task is to take pleasure in being with her; she needs relational fuel to grow through her weaknesses. She just can’t do the tasks on her own at age fifteen. And she doesn’t want her parents’ help at age fifteen either. But she deeply needs her parents’ love.

So here is our daughter’s advice to you if your child begins to deal with mental health issues.

“Don't try to fix it. You’ll make it worse. Listen carefully. Things sometimes get worse before they get better. Don’t stress about a linear recovery. Relapses are normal. Don’t pressure them to do what you think they need to do. Empower them with options so they don’t feel stuck. Don’t force connection, but encourage them to spend time with people. Be available as much as possible to connect, just listen, sit quietly or cry together.”

[1] https://www.nytimes.com/2021/12/07/science/pandemic-adolescents-depression-anxiety.html
[2] https://www.apa.org/monitor/2022/01/special-childrens-mental-health
[3] https://www.allanschore.com/
[4] https://drdansiegel.com/
[5] https://lifemodelworks.org/jim-wilder/

Originally published March 2023 issue of The Crier, Southern Marin Mothers’ Club.

Learn to Quit

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Every January as we clean up Christmas decorations, we go through the kids’ rooms to make space for new toys. Our third child has inherited so many toys from her siblings that it’s hard to maneuver through the door. Now that we’re another year older, this daunting but satisfying purge makes our house a better fit for us this new year. Similarly, we have to make room in our weekly activity schedules for new & better learning opportunities!

I’ve always wanted to instill in my children a value for finishing a task. When my daughter was frustrated in the junior basketball league, I had to insist she play out the rest of the short season. She felt embarrassed that her friends had more experience than her and could dribble and shoot with more skill. So we spent some extra time practicing and encouraging her. She remembers missing the shot during a game so we stayed and practiced shooting over and over until she finally made it and couldn’t miss. By the end of the season, she had improved, connected with the team and hated for the season to end. She was eager to sign up the following year.

But sometimes finishing a task can be draining or even harmful. After seven years of piano and two years of piano proficiency exams, my oldest was burnt out. With violin, choir, and advanced classes, she had a full schedule and dreaded practicing. Then, when her teacher tried to motivate her, she was mortified. Eventually it was untenable. We made an agreement that if she completed the piano exam, she could quit lessons. And she did. The hardest part for me was letting go of my hope that she would read piano music as well as me. But she knew the task was too much for her. Instead, she focused more on violin and flourished. She took up ukulele, viola and the electric bass too!

Similarly, when our little boy was only four, he decided to quit preschool summer camp. We had enrolled him full time so that we could both work our Maker Camp for the summer. On our shadow day, he loved the animals, the playground and the activities. He was so excited and came home from the first day with a smile on his face. But on his third day, he candidly informed me he was going to “play hookie that day.” I was so impressed he knew that colloquialism, I said, “OK, but then we’ll go back tomorrow.” But when it was time for me to leave the next day, he wouldn’t let go of my neck. I felt that a “good mom” would have left him anyway, but I just couldn’t. I took him to camp with me instead. A few years later, when he learned about bullying from an episode of Little House of the Prairie, he finally filled us in: some bigger boys had told him he couldn’t play in the treehouse and pushed him out, a scary two foot fall. At four, our guy didn’t know how to communicate his problem, but he knew that the environment wasn’t good for him. Turns out, even though he was too young to attend our Maker Camp, he participated as much as possible. All the other kids played with him, and he thrived.

During COVID our daughter’s music class went on Zoom, and then a new teacher took over. He did his best, but our girl was feeling more and more drained from attending. She went from loving it to dreading it, so I listened in during the next class. The teacher used our girl as an example for others to emulate but spoke negatively to everyone else. The class had been her favorite, and I hated to see her quit, but she knew she couldn’t stomach it. After a few parental attempts to deal with her teacher trouble by text or email, she quit mid-year. A few months later, she auditioned for an exclusive a capella group and got in. This met two needs. The group turned out to be a lovely supportive and encouraging community of friends for her, and they sing so much more!

During our recent holiday vacation, we declared a media fast (no Netflix or social media) and spent two weeks connecting with each other, our cousins and grandparents. With this clearer air space, we could easily listen to our kids’ needs and make changes accordingly: more game nights; less screen time. More walks, more talks and less worry. More time with certain friends and less time with other ones. The homework and practicing might not always get done. They might decide to drop out of some incredible after school activities. But we’ll keep doing our best to set them up to thrive.

As you start the new year, I encourage you to reevaluate your child’s activities. Too many activities can clutter our kids’ lives and burn us all out, like too many toys just make a mess. Here are some questions to consider:

How much time does each activity take, including traffic, practicing, and preparations?
Which learning environments are life-giving? 
Which peer groups influence your child in a positive way?
Which teachers inspire and invigorate your child the most?
What strengths can you invest in? Is your child motivated to learn these skills?
Is the level too challenging or not challenging enough?

May the new changes you make bless your children and family this year!

Article originally published in the January 2023 issue of The Crier, Southern Marin Mothers’ Club

Learn by Making

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We’d all love our children to know how the whole world works experientially, but even an unlimited budget is limited by time—these voracious little minds have to find time to eat, sleep and hang upside down on the monkey bars. What we can do, both as parents and teachers, is give our children the skills to understand the world to their fullest, however long it takes, for their whole lives. These skills include cooking, whittling, drilling holes, painting landscapes, folding fitted sheets, coding, using a measuring tape (for more than tricks… but for tricks, too!), and, just as important, troubleshooting what went wrong and figuring out how to make a good thing even better. Our children need to learn not only how to follow instructions, but even generate instructions themselves!

Back in the good old days (tongue in cheek), children didn’t only go to school; they worked really hard for their family’s survival. Parents counted on their children to fix the roof, haul water and even fight fire as the wind came sweeping down the plain. More recently, dads and moms don’t work in or around the home anymore, so children learn many more skills at school.

Many schools include Maker Workshop time in their regular routine to give kids an opportunity to integrate Science, Technology, Engineering, Art and Math (STEAM). At our school, we make models, weapons and even food to make the history we’re learning come to life. Students remember making with their own hands far more more than reading in a textbook.

Our 12-year-old is going through his history curriculum for the second time, this time as a middle schooler. He remembers the projects and notices subtle differences from how we did it last time. With fond memories of ancient Sumerian soap carving, Medieval cardboard castle dodgeball, Revolutionary ear plug muskets and Irish potato famine cabbage stew, Patrick builds on experiential anchors in his internal timeline.

Knowing is vastly different from experiencing. Experience is a whole-body activity—even a visual or auditory learner doesn’t really get it simply by watching or listening to others do it. They see and hear as they touch and build it themselves. If they’ve made it themselves, they know it for life. As parents and teachers, we can evaluate how much our children have internalized by watching what they make themselves: both imaginary and real.

It’s never too early to start. Babies immediately begin evaluating and experimenting on their surroundings to learn how the world works. Toddlers tend to get into everything to see what they can accomplish. Why not harness this drive a few hours a week to see what you and your child can make together. Invest in a roll of duct tape and an ultra-low temp glue gun and create almost anything. We’ve included a few resources here to get you started making at home.
Get ideas:
Bay Area Discovery Museum
Exploratorium
Make Magazine 

They Still Need You

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Ten years ago, when Jocelyn, my oldest, was about to enter kindergarten, all my playgroup friends talked excitedly about which school they picked and which friends they hoped were their kids’ classmates. But I remember dreading that my little girl would be in a classroom learning all kinds of fun things without me! I was aghast that parents couldn’t drop into the classroom any time they wanted but should sign up to volunteer. Mostly I didn’t want to miss out on hearing my little learner sound out that first word in a Bob Book or figure out how to add on her fingers. I wanted to witness those “Oh! moments,” the exciting and important milestones of learning.

As my tutoring schedule filled up in the evenings, I realized I would hardly see Jocelyn during the week. That was the deal-breaker – we decided to homeschool. I felt like such a rebel. I enrolled her in various classes for her age group and taught some classes myself. I taught her multiplication in kindergarten because math was my favorite, and we celebrated together when she learned to read! I got to be her teacher for nine years and see almost all of those precious milestones! I feel so lucky.

This year Jocelyn’s a Sophomore at Archie Williams. High school is a whole other ball game; it’s much easier to be involved in preschool and elementary school. Now I have to be even more intentional about it. I make a point to attend parent night and discuss each teacher’s approach and expectations. I check three different apps to help her keep track of her efforts. I sign up to chaperone events before all the spots are taken. And I ask other parents about the school’s offerings… all while carefully determining how involved she actually wants me to be; her independence is the goal, after all.

Tutoring math over the years, I’ve met hundreds of parents who throw up their hands at their child’s advanced math homework. “I can’t remember this stuff; can you help him?” Tutoring makes a huge difference, but nothing helps a child more than having mom or dad in their corner. I’ve learned that the more involved parents are in their child’s education, the more engaged children are.

Now that we have a school, our parent community is eager to be involved. They chat with us at drop off and pick up, voluntarily chaperone field trips, bring treats for the class, read up on our history topics and science projects on the website, and visit the classroom to hear student presentations. It’s certainly easier in our small community, but, no matter where your child is enrolled, your involvement is invaluable. Schools may not have the manpower to usher you in, and teachers may not have the bandwidth to approach you, so be proactive. No one knows your child like you do, and no one else is nearly as invested in his or her success.

This year, our youngest started kindergarten. Many of yours have started new schools too. In the classroom and at home, I plan to celebrate her accomplishments, teach her as much as I can and advocate for her success. It’s going to be so fun! I wish the same blessing on you this school year. 

Learn with your child

Nothing validates learning more than mom’s or dad’s sincere interest. Learning what your child is learning means he is not alone on the journey. This shared experience lends deeper understanding and grows your relationship.

  • Chat about school topics at dinner.

  • Find a documentary and watch together.

  • Do your child’s homework on another sheet of paper at the same time…or try to!

  • Ask questions, recreate experiments, brainstorm projects.

  • Share about when you learned the same thing as a child.

Advocate for your child

A little bit of effort can make your child even more successful at school.

  • Arrive 15 minutes early to observe and listen before pick up.

  • Look at classroom photos with your child and ask about each activity.

  • Talk to each teacher.

  • Learn the classroom outcomes and how you can supplement at home.

  • Find out what the snack/lunch menu and how well your child eats.

  • Get to know the school’s discipline policies and suggest tips/tricks that work at home.

  • Let the teachers know when family events (recent travel, change in sleep patterns, new baby) may affect your child’s mood at school.

  • Ask your teacher how your child compares to his/her peers in attentiveness, eye contact, engagement, empathy, curiosity, and drive. These can indicate neurodivergence such as dyslexia, giftedness or autism spectrum disorder, all of which you want to begin supporting early before unhelpful compensating habits form.

Spend time in the classroom.

Ask for an opportunity to observe, volunteer, chaperone or lead an activity. When you see your child in action, you’ll see what the teacher may not.

  • Bring a treat for your child’s birthday.

  • Read a book out loud to the class.

  • Bring a pet for show and tell.

  • Bring an activity that coordinates with the unit.

  • Organize books or art supplies.

  • Clean cubbies, cots or cupboards.

  • Bring lunch for teacher appreciation week.

Music Babies

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Recently our 15-year old chastised us for not making her play more sports when she was little.  When she started high school last year, she complained, “I can’t join a sport now!  Everyone else is so good! They’ve been playing since they were like four.”  My only retort was “but you’ve done music that long.”  Little consolation to her, but so true. And so good for her, too! 

We started music “training” before the kids could talk.  Nothing formal, music was simply part of play.  We sang a song for nearly every transition. We made up songs to motivate them to eat, keep food out of their hair, clean up, potty, go to sleep, endure a long car ride and manage our own frustrations.  Our repertoire has grown so elaborate that perhaps someday we will publish an album: Songs to Sing Through Clenched Teeth. 

As babies imitate our speech to learn to talk, they copy our singing.  I recently found a video of Violet learning to sing “ Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” with me at 15 months.  Ten years earlier, when our oldest learned “Twinkle,” she often got stuck on “like a diamond in the sky…like a diamond in the sky,” and never actually reached the end of the song!  We just joined in the broken record.  Later she fortuitously fused two favorites: 

Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O
And on that farm, he had a dog
And Bingo was his name-O B-I-N-G-O
Our second sang with conviction, “Bah bah black sheep wee wee wool” and “Baby bawuga.” 

One day while quarantining at Grandma’s house, our three-year-old stated in a sing-song way, “I just ate my strawberries.” We joined in and created an elaborate four part family rendition of her tune with fun variations.  She got such a kick out of listening to the production, knowing she had started it.  Moments of making music together have been some of the most precious, bonded times in our family.

Music has an incredible effect on a child’s development.  Neuroscientists observe musical activities reward discipline with self-achievement and positive reinforcement. Rhythm specifically supports learning and development of executive functions that enhance reading and verbal memory. Singing, especially trained singing, leads to better second language pronunciation. Learning to play an instrument as a child may even predict academic performance and IQ in young adulthood. Importantly, music is something we do together, it increases communication, coordination, cooperation and even empathy.  Music makes children more successful all around.

The key is to start young.  For skills acquisition, timing is everything.  Children grow up confident in their skills, comfortable performing, and more disciplined to practice.  The earlier kids start singing and playing an instrument, the more opportunities they’ll have to play and sing later.

Consider adding a piano or keyboard to your home.  Piano is an excellent introductory instrument because it’s laid out visually and is easy to play.  And babies love it!  Craigslist is full of free pianos for anyone willing to haul them.  Take lessons, watch videos, and learn together.

Don’t despair if you don’t consider yourself a musician.  Even if you think you don’t sing well, do it!  Surround your family with music videos, musician friends, musical instruments and a variety of concerts.  Introduce them to the performers, and ask them questions afterwards.  Make music a part of every day.

While other families spent hours cheering for tee-ball and pee wee soccer, our kids got a generous investment in music classes, choirs, lessons, instrument rentals, symphony concerts, musicals, dance recitals and silly singing across the house.   Now they’re true musicians!  They sing acapella solos, carry harmonies in choir and pick up new instruments for orchestra. Music will always be a part of their lives. It’s in them.

Every August we plan out the year. We prepare pieces for auditions, negotiate time slots for lessons and carefully plan out our weekly schedule of rehearsals, lessons and carpools.  Marin has incredible opportunities for children to learn music. As you make your plan this month, consider these resources.  Feel free to email me for more recommendations!  Have fun making music with your babies!  

Age 0-4
In Harmony Music, SMMC Community Partner
Music Time with Meagan, SMMC Community Partner
Sing Dance Play, SMMC Community Partner
Music Classes on SMMC Resource Guide

Age 5 & up
Marin Girls Chorus
San Francisco Boys Chorus
Marin Symphony Youth Orchestra
Marin Symphony Family Concert
San Francisco Symphony Music for Families Series

Private Lessons
Marin Community Music School lessons
Magic Flute lessons
Music Teachers Association of California
Suzuki Teachers

Toys/Books
Music Play: The Early Childhood Music Curriculum Guide for Parents, Teachers & Caregivers
Music For Little Mozarts piano lesson book 
Mozart Magic Cube toy
Symphony in B musical toy

Online
Chronos Academy music
Little Einsteins animated series
Hoffman Academy Online Piano Lessons

Apps
Joytunes: Simply Piano, Simply Guitar, Simply Sing
Yousician: Guitar, Bass, Piano, Ukulele, Singing
Flowkey.com
Piano Academy

Also published in the column Live & Learn, The Crier, Southern Marin Mothers Club, August 2022

Achieving Giftedness

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When my first child was entering kindergarten, I suspected she was gifted, but I was afraid to say so. It sounded so pretentious and loaded. So, I skirted the issue. In our own small classes, I took a front row seat to her excited drive to learn. We taught her to multiply in kindergarten, construct geometry proofs in first grade, and her reading level skyrocketed in second grade. In a multi-age classroom, she learned history, science and Latin well beyond her grade level from a buffet of interesting content. After graduating eighth grade, she enrolled in a traditional high school and found herself disheartened that teachers “spoon feed” information instead of giving her an opportunity to make the connections herself.

With my second child, I had the same inclination. As early as age four, I knew he was thinking deep thoughts when he confidently declared, “a shape must have more than two sides.” I enrolled him in our school as well, and his test scores show him above grade level in every subject. But is he gifted?

Years ago, a second grader enrolled in our school who had memorized the atomic numbers of each element, the diameters of every planet and investigated college level math for fun. His cognitive ability was “off the charts.” Another student learned Spanish, Greek, Latin, French then Esperanto for fun on her own. If these children are the standard of giftedness, there’s no comparison.

Now that our third child is entering kindergarten, we're asking the same question. We were shocked that she could write her name at age four, but did she really know all the letters? This motivated a deep dive of research: what makes a child gifted?

We landed in the pages of the gifted educator’s bible, Growing Up Gifted by Barbara Clark. Written and revised from the late seventies until 2012, it contains a wealth of research and guidance.

I assumed that a child was born gifted, but Barbara Clark demonstrates that “nurture” has as much, if not more, to do with it than “nature.” We parents have great influence over not only our children’s physical and emotional health but their mental capacity as well. In both genetics and environment, the term gifted, by its very nature, is something a child receives passively.

We’re all born with the same basic wetware in our heads, 100,000,000 to 200,000,000 neurons ready to connect to one another to make sense of the world in what ends up being our own unique way.

Imagine an elevator that takes the same exact amount of time to get from the ground floor to any other floor. Push the 30th floor, wait 30 seconds. Push the 18th floor, 30 seconds. Push the 2nd floor, 30 seconds. The first 10 seconds are the fastest part of the ride, then it coasts slower and slower to a stop when the doors open. It’s very fair, if inefficient.

Likewise, in the first four years of a child’s life, her brain achieves around 50% of her adult capacity for intelligence, 80% by six, and by eighteen she’s about as intellectually developed as she’ll be for the rest of her life (with some room for improvement or decline over the long term).

Here’s another metaphor. Hurricane predictive maps have a characteristic cone graphic that shows potentially affected areas. It indicates where the storm may end up with bounds on the uncertainty. Within the range of each child’s potential, it is our contributions as parents and (the lucky ones) teachers that determine their achievement. So, here’s some helpful advice.

Parents of Toddlers & Preschoolers

Little by little help children understand feelings and desires of other family members including yourself. Use big words, varied vocabulary and clear communication, and help them express their thoughts in complete sentences, too. Celebrate the accomplishments of each family member without comparison. Involve young children in planning family trips and decisions so each person’s contribution is valuable.

“Although genius may not result, there is every reason to believe that a level of giftedness may be attainable for many children.” (Clark p. 37)

Parents of Kindergarteners

Experts suggest IQ or aptitude testing at age six to determine giftedness early. However, many schools do not offer differentiation for gifted students. Budgets are tight in private and public schools. In 2013 the State of California canceled funding for the state GATE categorical program, leaving the fund allocation up to the local public schools. Ask your school what accommodations they offer gifted students and what the criteria are to qualify.

Parents of Elementary Students and Up

If your child is not engaging well in the classroom, investigate. Get them tested by a neurologist. Consider other educational options that will stimulate their intellect. They need positive challenges and time with intellectual peers (whatever their age) to strengthen their mental muscles at their own level so they don’t atrophy. Carol Dweck coined Growth Mindset to describe the best outlook a child can develop. This takes a very special classroom environment.

If your child is wasting time at school, investigate. Barbara Clark found this gem: as early as the 1940s it was observed that moderately gifted children waste nearly half of their time in a regular classroom and profoundly gifted children waste almost all of their time. When challenging academics is lacking, students find other ways to challenge themselves, sometimes with misbehavior. And when classwork is consistently easy, gifted kids expect that to always be the case. Then when faced with a difficult task, they have an intellectual identity crisis, “Maybe I’m not as smart as I thought.” And they shrink from the opportunity.

Advocate for your child. Find out how you can contribute to their classroom environment and keep their home learning environment safe and rich. Then see where your little hurricane lands!

Also published in the column Live & Learn, The Crier, Southern Marin Mothers Club, June 2022

Mother is the Teacher

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I have a not-so-secret fascination with systems designed to describe all the possible ways to do something. There’s a catalog of just about everything from juggling to biology, both theoretical and practical. One of my earliest exposures to such a catalog was the IPA, not the ale, the alphabet. Every symbol in this catalog (there are 107) signifies a single sound the human mouth can utter. With it, one can not only write out all the words we know, but also write out every pronunciation of them, too. Southern drawl, Brooklyn, Boston, Minnesota, any and all. It’s a cool tool and I learned it from my greatest, most impactful teacher in my life: Mom.

This brilliant woman educated a myriad of students over her career teaching and coaching voice. An accomplished classical singer herself, she empowered young men and women with the confidence, discipline and self-care they need to flourish on and off stage. This included pronunciation–German, Italian, French, Latin–and that was the part of her lessons, at our upright piano in the living room, that stuck for me, her infant, toddler, grade school and high school auditor.

Around age three, our brains begin to cull abilities we don’t need for survival in this social, physical and spiritual world as we mature into adulthood. Some of the things to go are the sounds we effortlessly produce to speak (and sing!) our language. For example, most, but not all, people in North America do not need to make that lovely, percussive click so iconic to the Xhosa language of South Africa. We lose it.

To my wonder, my brain retained a lot of great sounds that many of my friends and family of the Deep South can no longer easily produce. I can really get into a language and sound pretty genuine (no clicks though). Thanks Mom!

More than language, all I ever needed to know I learned from my mother. She taught me how to use a toilet–ever been to a country with different bathroom technology as an adult? Some things are very unintuitive, most are in fact. Like being kind to everyone, not just people who are kind to me or people who can benefit me in some way. Everyone, even people unkind to me. Like eating the things that are good for me first and waiting for the sweets. Delayed gratification is deep wisdom.
My own children have a great teacher, too. I couldn’t be more proud or grateful for the quality human beings growing up in our house. Cody Harris inspired me in his article last month to brag a little, so here goes:


Our oldest is a high school freshman. She tried out for the prestigious acapella group ‘Til Dawn and got in! Who helped her tune her pitches singing “Rain Rain Go Away” at age one? Who sings around the house and gets her big girl to harmonize? Mommy!

Our boy, who is 11, has set his eyes on a double career as paleontologist and author. So, of course, he spends his free time writing his first big work of fiction about a paleontologist’s adventures in the Indian Ocean. Who hand-wrote nearly every assignment for her little 3rd grader? Who teaches his writing class even now? Mommy!

Our youngest, who is five, is pretty proud of herself, for good reason! She just figured out that 10 + 7 = 17. Really. Who do you think works with her on that? Big Sister. And big brother. And me. But especially Mommy!

Mommy teaches them academics all the time at home and at school. She has taught them to write—I mean really write rich essays full of deep insights—and to multiply, divide, take square roots, even add fractions with unlike denominators. She has taught them to read (with the help of Mary Pope Osborne).

 I’ve learned a lot from my children’s mommy, too–chiefly this: humble service provides much more reliable and sustainable leadership than ambitious self-advocacy.

Seeing motherhood in action from this side of life has revealed there are no tricks or redos (ok, there are daily redos), just a mature, loving, graceful, persistent woman investing her thoughts, time and career into her children’s well-being and growth. She does it. She is the only one who can. And she does it well.

Charles Barkley was worried in 1993, “I am not a role model... Parents should be role models.” He was right, but there’s no need to worry. Mom, you are the role model, the primary teacher of your child’s lifetime. You are the best teacher for your child. Not because you have a teaching degree or published a book or mastered mathematics, but because you are the one who is most committed to your child’s success. Your children will value what you value, enjoy the activities you do, care for the people you care for.

Thank you, Celeste, for being our family’s first teacher. Happy Mothers Day!

Also published in the column Live & Learn, The Crier, Southern Marin Mothers Club, May 2022

Gracing New Beginnings

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Years ago, I flew cross-country alone with my almost 2-year-old to meet my newborn nephew. She was barely potty-trained but refused to pee at the airport or on either airplane. It was too loud and intimidating. She held it all day until we arrived at my sister’s house. On the way home a week later, she pulled the same stunt and peed on my lap during landing at SFO. I was mortified, but I just couldn’t make it about me. I shed a few tears, made it to baggage claim, changed, recovered and hugged my little girl. What she needed at that moment was grace: a new beginning.

When I think of new beginnings, Easter almost always comes to mind. At age 8 on Easter weekend, I realized the significance of grace and decisively internalized my family’s faith as my own. It was a pivotal moment for me. Since I benefited from the grace of God, I was responsible to give grace to those around me. So I began strengthening my grace muscles. I empathetically befriended the outcasts at school, forgave my siblings for incessant teasing (sometimes), and counseled anyone who would let me…instead of doing my homework. When we were engaged, Daniel and I committed to keep “deep wells of grace” ready to give so we could learn how to love and consider each other in marriage. Now as a mother and teacher, I must maintain the same grace for all the kids in my life.

At school, we need “new beginnings” throughout the day. We have a policy to keep the soccer ball on the ground in the courtyard near the classroom windows. That was not what happened when a ball sailed through the air and knocked Mr. Daniel on the chin. And the student dared to laugh! After a shocked moment of dumb-founded silence, Daniel chose grace over fury and gently said, “This is not an appropriate moment to laugh.” An older student said, “You better apologize.” And the student did, “Sorry, Mr. Daniel.” It was forgiven and over.

Our school’s discipline policy has three steps. The first time a student doesn’t follow instructions, we lean in and whisper a verbal warning. The second time, we ask him/her to take a break for a few minutes in another room to regroup. The third time, we ask their parents to pick them up early. Today is apparently not the day to be in class. But tomorrow is a new day!

As a teacher, it’s tempting to label some children as discipline problems or even hold a grudge against them for not appreciating the effort it takes to prepare each lesson or activity. But if I anticipate disrespect, it sours me. I become negative, and even the students who are trying to cooperate have to endure my bad attitude.

One morning I shuttled four boys to school and was about to park with a garbage truck in front of me, trash cans in my parking spot and another car backing out of a driveway right behind. I opted to circle the block and let the scene clear, and one boy asked, “Why are we going this way again?” Another answered, “We just missed a perfectly good parking place.” I was shocked at their gall. It took me ten minutes to calm down before I could safely engage in conversation with those two.

Grace means that each day is a new beginning, a clean slate. The offenses of the day before are gone. We don’t bring them back up, anticipate a problem or even think about them. Both the giver and receiver of forgiveness let it go and enjoy being together again. Even so, I’m often tempted to hold on to the offense and use it to try to goad my students or satisfy some arbitrary measure of justice. Nobody can live with that shame.

Motherhood brings the same temptations. I take my children’s behavior so personally. When they are disagreeable, it seems like an attack, as if they have positioned themselves as my enemy, trying to thwart all my good parenting efforts. Like the time my middle guy took the trash out but didn’t take the cans to the curb. We had nowhere to put our trash for the next week! In reality, their problems are their own. They need the grace to learn from their mistakes without fear of losing their relationship with me. I have to keep that in mind or I will say something I regret and have to ask them for forgiveness! Heaven knows I need grace more than they do.

Some may think that too much grace will spoil a child. Surely they will grow up ungrateful and undisciplined if their bad choices go unpunished. But what grace really communicates is a child’s inherent value; they are worth every effort to keep close. The person is more important than the problem. And when a parent lets go of the offense, she can love openly. Grace feels expensive, but it makes us all free. 

Also published in the column Live & Learn, The Crier, Southern Marin Mothers Club, April 2022

Spring Forward; Learn Ahead

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Last month our youngest turned five, a big milestone. Watching her big brother do math on Prodigy and Khan Academy, she wanted to start her own accounts. She’s been thinking a lot about kindergarten next year and imagining her life in a new school. We’ve encouraged her with sage prophecies about this time in her life, “When you’re five, you’ll try all kinds of vegetables.” And “When you’re in kindergarten, you’ll potty at school without mommy.” She completely believes us.

Then she asked for a car for her birthday…about 11 years too soon! So, we bought a used Mercedes Power Wheels off Craigslist for her to zip around in the driveway. I taught her to look over her shoulder when she goes in reverse and not to crash into the garage door. I figure it’s never too early to learn these valuable lessons. And she showed a new concern about my speed and routes from her carseat. Perhaps she acquired the drive to drive from her big sister!

A few weeks earlier, our oldest had asked for her first driving lesson. I’ve been dreaming of the day when I can send her to pick up take-out or drive her brother to the dojo. As she was nearing her 15th birthday, I suppose she was gearing up for this upcoming responsibility and freedom. I felt so proud of her courage and persistence as she circled an empty parking lot over and over for hours. She asked for a few more lessons over the next several weeks, and while tempted to put her off so I could finish my own lesson plans, I was determined to encourage her to be ready to drive as soon as it’s legal!

Even our son, a notoriously picky eater, recently branched out. All of the sudden over take-out dinner, he decided to try sushi and liked it! He tried roasted carrots the next day. Now he has a taste for everything we eat…almost. He is also developing his drawing skills, voluntarily taking out the trash and learning cello! He even spent hours during ski week break perfecting three piano pieces for Certificate of Merit with only a few tears.

It must be spring. All three kids are springing forward.

Evolutionary biologists proposed “punctuated equilibrium” to account for sudden spurts of speciation. Gradualism, the idea that species form over very long periods of change, couldn’t quite describe the quick changes observed in the fossil record. We’d like to think that our children grow and learn at a slow, steady pace, but that doesn’t always fit reality. There’s a reason we call them growth spurts. Learning happens in growth spurts too.

When I was little, I remember being frustrated by the words, “You’re too young.” Now that I’m the “queen mother,” I’ve made it a policy to never consider my children too young to learn whatever they are curious about. While innocence is something we honor and protect, ignorance isn’t. Children are never too young to dabble in a skill or retain an interesting fact. A third grader is capable of calculating a Riemann Sum because he knows how to find the area of a rectangle. Then when he learns it in AP Calculus as a 12th grader, it will seem familiar and less daunting. Kindergarteners can memorize skip counting songs before they’re really multiplying. If they can memorize every word of “We Don’t Talk about Bruno,” then they might as well learn to count by eights. And the whole family can enjoy a riveting episode of “Our Planet” together.

In fact, the Classical Model of Education asserts that children learn in the “grammar stage” through 4th grade. The mind is ready to absorb information, and they get a kick out of memorizing grammar rules, narrative histories and math facts. Everything is new to them, so they enjoy these discoveries and impressing others with their knowledge! The middle school years are described as the “logic stage,” when students are less interested in the facts and more interested in the “why’s” and “how’s.” They wrestle with cause and effect and the relationships between diverse fields of knowledge. They never tire of arguing about anything and everything. Finally, high school students in the “rhetoric stage” build on the knowledge they acquired in the grammar stage and the understanding they developed in the logic stage to application. They want to argue a thesis, convince someone, advocate a cause, teach someone a skill or create something entirely new.

With this in mind the goal for our little ones is to expose them to a buffet of learning opportunities. This knowledge will spring them into a successful lifelong education.

Also published in the column Live & Learn, The Crier, Southern Marin Mothers Club, March 2022

For the Love of Math

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Don’t look! The Product of your cards is 81. Can you figure out your card’s value?

Children love what their parents love, well, at least until they’re teenagers. For example, a beautiful mom-friend of mine who played professional soccer has four daughters who are true soccer prodigies. She instilled in them a love of the game and spent tons of time in the backyard drilling toe touches and passes. Another family I know gave their child a love for horticulture and husbandry. Others have raised incredible violinists and artists by investing hours a day together. My poor kids have a couple of teachers for parents, who raised them to love groan-eliciting puns, correcting grammar on TV, computing mental math and singing The Magic Flute at ear-piercing volume & pitch. They often blame us for their nerd bent, “Why couldn’t you have been really into basketball, skiing or something cool?”

Unfortunately, the inverse is also true. Kids tend to dislike what their parents dislike. Mathematics has suffered a progressively worsening reputation with each generation. I’ll spare the rampage of how curriculum experts have boiled math down to the procedures and formulas but also divorced it from its context and application, its story. Why do I need to know this? How will I use algebra in life? We never ask this question about Shakespeare; we learn it to enjoy it and appreciate the skill that created the masterpieces. Math too is a part of this great story of human innovation.

My advice to parents is this: If you want your kids to do well in math, they need to love it. And your kids will only fall in love with math if you love it…or at least take it out on a few dates and enjoy its company. Here are a few ideas of how to love math together.

Math in Play

From time to time, our youngest makes demands. Screen time, dessert, new toys are a daily expectation. So being the just and righteous parents we are, we bribe her to practice good behavior and use the opportunity to sneak in a little math lesson. 

“When you can say, ‘Yes, Mommy’ and follow my instructions 10 times, you’ll get a prize.”
“OK, yes, Mommy. How many is that?
“2 so 8 more to go. 2 and 8 make ten.” (Make 10 Pairs) 

We divert impatience with a little lesson on time. “You can watch a show in one minute.”
“One minute is so looooong.”
“It’s not that long, it’s just 60 seconds. Can you count to sixty with me?” 

For clean up, we practice doubles: “If you pick up one toy, I’ll pick up two.”
“What if I pick up 2?”
“Then I’ll pick up 4!”

Math Games

Limiting math to homework keeps it in the “do I have to?” chore category, but mathematicians developed it more like a game for sheer pleasure. It’s much more enjoyable to practice math facts during family game nights. My favorite game is Math Headbands where 2 players put a normal playing card on their foreheads (without looking at it) and a facilitator gives the product of the two numbers. Then each player divides the product by their opponent’s card to figure out their own! For younger students I give the sum and they subtract instead. Black Jack and other card games are really effective! Dominoes are great too, and I love doing competitive mental math dice games with this Pound-of-Dice. 

Card Games
Dice Games
Pound of Dice
Dominoes

Math to Music

Music is the fastest way to learn multiplication facts. Our oldest learned Skip Counting Songs at age 4 and was multiplying at age 5. It was an easy transition to stamp an array of rows and columns, point & sing to give the numbers of the songs real mathematical meaning! She still uses them occasionally in Advanced Algebra.

Math History

Learning the story of how math came to be this tedious subject in school makes a huge difference. It’s a narrative with passion, intrigue, and real people. Throughout history Mathematicians have fought each other, won wars and even been executed! 

Archimedes (287-212 BC) helped defend his hometown of Syracuse against Romans and Phoenician invaders during the Punic Wars by calculating the force of a crane nicknamed “The Claw” to lift a ship out of the water, shake its passengers loose and crush them. 

Hypatia (350-415) was violently flayed on her way home from teaching math at the Museum of Alexandria accused of influencing students with her Greek paganism and politics in a newly Christian Roman Empire.

Isaac Newton rivaled G. W. Leibniz from 1699-1716 over who came up with calculus first. Modern calculus students still learn their two diverse notation systems.

Sophie Germain (1776-1831) read about Archimedes as a child and wanted to grow up to be just like him. Later she spent the Reign of Terror confined at her Paris home studying differential calculus. Turns out she was a lover not a fighter. As a woman, she couldn’t attend a university, so she posed as a man and completed correspondence courses until she was found out!

Sofya Kovalevskaya (1850-1891) grew up in a nursery wallpapered with her father’s calculus notes. By the time she was 11, she learned calculus. Eventually she was the first woman to earn a Ph.D in mathematics.

The Boy Who Loved Math: The Improbable Life of Paul Erdos (1913-1996) tells the story of a nomadic Hungarian couch surfer who knit together the global math community by working with 512 mathematician co-authors. To date 13,113 mathematicians have an Erdös number of 1 or 2, certainly a bigger game than “Seven Degrees of Kevin Bacon.” During the McCarthy Trials, he was exiled from the US as a spy for his unusual lifestyle and math correspondence with a Chinese citizen.

With all of these resources available, we wish you and your family a wonderful new relationship with our friend math. We hope you’ll be very happy together!

Also published in the column Live & Learn, The Crier, Southern Marin Mothers Club, Feb 2022

Is your child engaged and curious in his/her classroom?

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No? Your child might be gifted. Gifted students often disengage in the classroom because the material is taught at a pace that is much too slow for them. They find themselves often waiting for the other students in the class to “get it” when they mastered the concept within a few minutes. They’ve already moved on to ponder two or three other interesting ideas they thought of alone. This can lead to frustration, disruptive behavior, even problematic arrogance. When homework is too easy for many years, gifted students expect it to always be easy and unfortunately get anxious when they face a difficult challenge.

The National Association for Gifted Children observes this pattern.
Good teaching for gifted learners requires an understanding of "supported risk." Highly able learners often make very good grades with relative ease for a long time in school. They see themselves (and often rightly so) as expected to make "A's," get right answers, and lead the way. In other words, they succeed without "normal" encounters with failure. Then, when a teacher presents a high-challenge task, the student feels threatened. Not only has he or she likely not learned to study hard, take risks and strive, but the student's image is threatened as well. A good teacher of gifted students understands that dynamic, and thus invites, cajoles and insists on
risk -- but in a way that supports success.

They define these students as students with gifts and talents who perform - or have the capability to perform - at higher levels compared to others of the same age, experience, and environment in one or more domains. They require modification(s) to their educational experience(s) to learn and realize their potential. Chronos Academy was founded especially for these students. We provide a wide array of integrated topics each week; students choose what interests them and research their own unique presentations. We provide meaningful classwork in small rhythmic doses with flexible accommodations on each. We provide open-ended questions to debate and problems to tackle, and we honor curiosity, even when it’s off-topic. We downplay grade level expectations (and grades!) and challenge each student at their own level, rewarding effort rather than ability. The payoff is children learning vast information and skills voluntarily in a relaxed environment.

Shuttle to San Anselmo, Memoirs of a bus driver

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Have you ever thought about how interesting it must be to be a taxi driver. Well, I’ve had the opportunity this year! And even though my passengers aren’t perfect strangers in the big city, I’ve had some interesting conversations! I’ve come to the conclusion, while shuttling students from school to San Anselmo every day, that Chronos Academy students are intelligent, quirky and fascinating people.

They make up the most creative car games! We have a mini Simon game students play & pass, and they have collaboratively played for 10 minutes without a mistake! One student is a professional “Quiet Game” competitor, and another stumps us with very obscure colors in “I Spy with My Little Eye.” One guy made up a variant on the License Plate game by researching the system the DMV uses for assigning numbers. He discovered that, if a license plate number on a car starts with 9, it’s very new. 8 is very common because those cars are a few years old, so 1 is very rare. He offers 1000 points to any student who spots a standard issue license plate on a car (not a truck, not a vanity plate) that starts with number 1. They have been looking all year!

The kids often request our history audio textbook on the ride. Each chapter in Story of the World is a riveting narrative of the time & place we are studying. They love to review & preview other chapters from the year. At times, when we arrive at the pick up spot, parents patiently wait for them to finish the last minute of the story!

They like to listen to our history songs too or sing them themselves. Once a student sang the 17 minute timeline from memory during the entire drive! They Might Be Giants Science is Real is also a favorite in the van. But the conversations are the most intriguing for me!

One student has a particular propensity for mathematics. I am thoroughly amazed at the number of hours he spends researching math for fun or testing his own mathematical hypotheses and making up his own formulas! I can play along…at least through the level of AP Calc AB, typically a 12th grade subject. But he stumps me daily with tid bits such as the exact radical expression of cosine of 15 degrees. So I stump him back. “What’s arc sin of -3𝛑/4 + arc cot 7𝛑/6?” He groans & reluctantly solves my problem! We have so much fun geeking out.

Of course there are occasional conflicts in the van, and the ride is an opportune time to coach kids in how to empathize with others to better navigate difficult relationships. And with a captive audience, I have incredible opportunities to encourage students to be the best they can be. For some reason, they open up on the drive. Whoever sits in front tells me what they have been thinking about all day—their weekend plans, new pet, a conflict with a friend or what they baked the night before. One girl, who usually reads silently when riding with classmates, opens up when riding alone. She tells me all about how she adopted her beloved Dalmatian, which graphic novels she is re-reading, and her plans of traveling to Australia. She knows every endangered animal species in Australia and perhaps the rest of the world. It’s very impressive. Having “voice” with kids is such a privilege and such a responsibility; I dare not take it lightly. If I share from my experience the lessons I’ve learned, listen empathetically to their process, and spur them on with encouragement and thoughtful questions, we will all make it home from school safely and become a little bit better from the ride.